Toucans Chronology!
The Real-Life History of the Toucans

brought to you by the Toucans Historical Society

courtesy of Teen Beek
(Teen Beek is a common-law trademark of Spaulding HotShots)

Late 1700's

Ferocious band of Toucan Pirates terrorizes the Caribbean. In a fierce battle, their vessel, The Happy Beak, is captured and the crew is pressed into service by the U.S. Cavalry. The ship's valuables are seized, including the Captain's Log which describes strange native instruments fashioned from tortoise shells.

 

1885

Notorious gang of music rustlers Los Tucanos acquire the Toucan Pirates Log during a raid on the U.S. Cavalry Conservatory.

 

1888

Los Tucanos discover steel while panning for gold in Trinidad, Washington. They stake their claim and construct primitive Steel Drums using old whiskey barrels. All gang members later convicted and hanged for panslaughter.

 

1916

Avant-garde ballet director Franz Zimmer produces "Das Bärrel" in Berlin, an interpretive dramatization of the Los Tucanos story. Director Zimmer later flees to Switzerland seeking political asylum during the 1930s.

 

1956

Hans Zimmer discovers his father's secret diaries in a safety deposit box in Berne. Hans recreates the drums as described by his father, improves on the sound through the use of imipolex mallets, and founds Die Tukanen in Ur-Gestalt, Bavaria.

 

1960

Die Tukanen's first performance: New Year's Day Party at Pippenwerk Acetate Plant.

 

1963

First hit single, "Die WeissenVögel", soars to #37 on Radio Free Bavaria.

 

1964

Groups' hit album, "Schteel Drumf Musik" outsells Heino; makes Die Tukanen European superstars.

 

1965

Lads knighted by Mad King Ludwig, Queen of Germany.

 

1966

Ill-fated U.S. tour nearly bankrupts Hans (see Teen Beek #4, Bummer for Zimmer); band retreats to Saipan for spiritual rejuvenation and discovers the liberating effects of banana peel taffy.

 

1967

Band re-invents image in psychedelic mode; performs as Aguashack and releases an experimental concept album entitled "Magic Walrus Kingdom".

 

1968

Aguashack headlines at massive outdoor Steelstock Festival; heavy rain and faulty wiring lead to the electrocution of half the band when their electric steel drums short circuit. Remaining half of band breaks up.

 

1974

Young musicians find all 4,000 copies of "Magic Walrus Kingdom" in back room of thrift store; they memorize the songs, forge their own instruments and hairstyles, and gradually develop a following on the disco dance circuit as the Toucans Magic Symphony.

 

1976

The band's appearance on Soul Train launches them to national fame.

 

1977

Band members add 6 inches to platform shoes.

 

1978

Toucans Magic Symphony releases double-LP, "Get On Down To It!" (now out of print).

 

1979

Toucans Magic Symphony Super Show closes after opening night performance at The Sands, Las Vegas.

 

1980

Band members get day jobs.

 

1987

Current Toucans acquire acetate pressing of "Die WeissenVögel" at Bavarian Historical Society, Seattle Branch fundraiser.

 

1988

Toucans contacted by aliens; release and deny existence of "The Yellow Tape".

 

1989

Toucans contacted by agents; release Loud & Clear; "El Cumbanchero" spawns national dance craze.

 

1990

World Tour kicked off in Burien; Toucans honored by the Academie Francaise for Excellence in Timbre.

 

1991

Solar eclipse prompts release of "Under the Sea/Sesame Street" single; advance sales propel single to Zinc status.

 

1992

"Socanut" released on CD and cassette; plans for Euro-Toucans Theme Park postponed.

 

1993

Toucans targeted for destruction by Evil Empire; begin search for Obi-Pan Canobi, the wizard who's just a crazy old man, yet who is their only hope.

 

1994

Toucans record "By Request" in the sewers of New York; Toucan members replaced by an army of evil superhuman robots.

 

1995

Toucans begin marketing their new Dinner Cereal; global flooding prompts millions to adopt treetop lifestyle, also smudges all the animation for the "It's The Toucans Saturday Morning Cartoon TV Show Starring The Toucans" show, delaying it indefinitely.

 

1996

Floods recede, Toucans return to their high-tech underground engineering labs where they mathematically derive their new album, "Five and a Half Original Songs". Band members discover photo in time capsule of their musical predecessors, Los Tucanos; establish the Toucans Historical Society.

 

1997

Toucans bioengineer clones in order to spend more time on the golf course.

 

1998

Freak asteroid strike at Palm Beach scatters the band members. Flung willy-nilly through time and space, the Toucans somehow manage to record their new album, "Steel Drums: Old & New".

1999

In preparation for the new millennium, the Toucans finish excavating their underground lair beneath Tiger Mountain, and begin laying in stocks of fruit, berries and bacon strips for the coming Apocalypso.

2000

With the world safe for another 1000 years, the Toucans begin booking in a whole new era, using space-age technology and good old-fashioned grit. The tasty album Steel Drum Buffet is recorded using 21st-century binary code for the first time in Toucans history.

2001

Toucans invent flying van for rapid deployment, immediately crash it into Mount Rainier while on a scenic tour. The Toucans are dubbed the Official Band of the Whole Third Millennium.

2002

Sea-faring pirates board the Toucans Steel Drum Band and take no prisoners, only some of our steel drums and a "How To Play Music" book. Six months later, Sea Changes of the Toucan Pirates floats ashore with a salty cargo of Irish music, Caribbean style!

2003

Intergalactic Space Hobos attack Earth - only the Toucans can save humanity with their Iron-Powered Panoptic Laser Barrels! It's a tense 48 hours as the band faces down the cosmic freeloaders and their armada of Bindleships, but with a final burst of Jean & Dinah, the Space Hoboes are finally driven from the skies of Earth. The band returns to their League of Recording Hall and produces their next album, Beak Sounds, celebrating their sonic victory over the scrappy space bums.

2004

The Toucan Pirates return for another round of plundering, leaving behind only charred timbers and a copy of their newest album, Buried Treasure of the Toucan Pirates. Where will those pirates strike next?

2005

The Toucans return to their roots with another musical Caribbean cruise, collecting all of their best Old & New hits into a volume 2 sequel. Captain Steubing declares the Ledo Deck open for dancing as Steel Drums Old & New Vol 2 plays over the ship's speaker system!

2006

The Toucans plunge into the center of the Earth on their Core Tour '06. CD sales are slim, but the crowds go wild as the band plays on fields of molten lava and in superheated plasma-dromes. The entire interior of the planet rocks to that crazy Toucan sound!

2007

Toucans indicted on charges of Conspiracy to Commit Calypso. Only a brilliant last-minute legal maneuver by the band's lead counsel saves their bacon for another day. Unfortunately, a gag order prevents us from saying any more!

WHAT'S NEXT?

Toucans in Japan? Our Pacific Rim neighbors
may soon be jumpin' to the beat of the
World's Grooviest Steel Drum Band!
Hang on to your kimonos!

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